Hello and Request for Help :)

[Wolf]

As I have said previously, I don't have this species of parrot so there are some things that I can't really say much about since I don't have the experience with them. Most of the time I can answer due to the similarities in the behaviors of this species and the behaviors of other species.
As far as I am aware of no one has yet been able to say why any parrot chooses this or that person to bond with over another person. birds have been known to bond to people who totally adore them as well as with people who will not have anything to do with them. We just do not know what person they will choose or why. We know that who cares for their needs such as cleaning their cage or feeding them has no bearing on who they will choose.
I know that you love birds and as far as I am concerned you have more than proven this over and again. With the problems that you all are having, is it possible that this species of parrot and you just do not fit? Is it possible that what you are looking for is an aviary type bird as opposed to a companion species?
I look back to the beginning of this and noted that your primary experience is with budgies which are really better as an aviary type of bird than as a companion species. One of the differences is that the aviary species tend to bond more with each other and are a more hands off type of bird. Their is some bonding but as far as I am aware it is not to the same degree as with the companion species which bond very closely to their chosen human. I think that it is worth considering.
All I can say at this point is that this is all new ground for me as I have not experienced this level of problems with a bird and my inexperience is showing through.

[mikella]

What would give you the idea that I'd rather a hands-off type of bird? I would love nothing more than to have Quigley glued to me all day. I LOVE Quigley. And I LOVED my budgies... so deeply. They were glued to me all the time as well. They were incredible guys and I really believe their propensity to bond with humans is incredible as well, just like "companion" -type birds... (I have a hard time even separating them in the way you have, even if it may be 'correct' - budgies are very very much companion birds in my experience, and *so* intelligent... if people give them the chance to flourish).

I really don't know what would give you that idea... that I didn't want a bird that would bond to humans... (?)

My only problem is that Quigley has accepted my husband and not me - When he's not around, Quigley is DESPERATE for my attention, but is aggressive with me, making it insanely difficult (impossible, really) to meet his needs when I'm the one home all the time and not my husband.

I wanted a pal that could do everything with me - and I felt I could provide a good home for a bird that needed one as I'm home so much of the time. Instead, Quigley is aggressive with me all day and pines for my husband (yet also demands to be on me when he is gone).

I do understand the bonds (between Quigley and 'special person' and Quigley and 'other') will be lopsided, and that's ok. That's not my issue.

Maybe what you are missing Wolf is what Pajarita was saying about these birds..... Quigley LITERALLY needs physical contact almost all day. He needs it. He DEMANDS it. He practically dies otherwise (yes, exaggerating, but I assure you not by much ). So I pretty much have no choice other than to provide that to him, but at the same time - he is aggressive. He's not the type of bird that can just be settled in his cage and you take him out when you feel like it... It's all on his terms.

[Wolf]

Perhaps I misread that Quigley's bond with your husband was a problem for both of you and that you didn't want him bonded to a human. If so I apologise. In any case as I said in my last post this is beyond my level of experience so I will back out of this conversation, as I am not helping.

[mikella]

No, you didn't misread that, but I think you're just missing my point. I want Quigley to be a happy (as 'happy' as possible) BIRD. He can't be happy attacking me all day and missing my husband all day. It's not fair to have his "mate" away from him most of the time. If Quigley accepted me, was comfortable with me, and enjoyed his day with me that would be fantastic. That's what I want. But, unless I'm totally wrong, any bond with me will never measure up and he will pine for hubby. Even if Quigley eventually does tolerate me and accept me, he would still be away from my husband all day...... Aren't birds ALWAYS with their mate? That must be hard and unnatural on a bird to be separated (not that a bond with a human is 'natural' per se) from their mate for so much of the time.

The problem is the aggression. (And the bond I think feeds this. The bond is also a problem for my husband because he literally - again, Green Cheek Conure - is controlled by Quigley, his screaming, his nips, etc.)

(Notice what I added to the above post - maybe that helps clarify too)

This is why I'm really wondering if having a bird pal for Quigley will help the situation. But that's not going to happen right now... AND maybe it wouldn't even work out the way I wanted it to.

If it would fix/help things, I would just let Quigley have his space and have his happy time with my husband when he's home (yes, it would be a tough thing for me to accept, but I would do it even if it killed me, if necessary) - BUT, Quigley demands physical contact.... so that's not an option.

I should add... before all this, I didn't know about human-bird 'mate bonding'... I didn't know the issue it could be because our first bird (when I was growing up) accepted and adored everyone (although I think my sister was his person), and my second bird was very much mine (he was a different sort but very attached to me).

If Quigley was bonded to me, sure, it would be great and I would love it, like I said before - and before, I would have thought I wanted it, but now I see the sorts of problems it can cause and its pretty intense... I don't think I'd want that either. My husband would suffer (because, again, like I said before, Quigley neeeeeeds to be on his person ALL the time. He would essentially take me away from hubby.).

[mikella]

I think too much and write too much. Story of my life.

Please just tell me the world isn't ending. That's probably all I need to hear sometimes. (But I also desperately want input as always.)

Bear with me.

[Wolf]

I am not running out on you, I just don't feel that I have adequate experience to be of much help at this point in time. Despite having worked with animals all of my life there is only so much knowledge that I can learn about birds in three years. I am active on several forums and I read and study and care for birds of my own but still have an incredible amount to learn. I have already exceeded what I know and I prefer to not grasp at straws, but if something beneficial comes to mind I will share it.

[mikella]

Self: Keep muddling through it and wait until hormones decrease.

[liz]

Quigley can feel your emotions. He knows that your life is revolving around him so he does not have to work at making a bond. You are already his slave.
Take a chill pill and go back to the things you enjoyed before he got there. Plant a tomato plant, cut coupons, play with another pet or talk to your plants and ignore him.
When your husband isn't home he will start watching you.
You may never get the bond you want. I am sorry but it is true. Rambo was tightly bonded to me before my daughter moved in. Now I am just the caterer and janitor when she is here. When she is not here he will call me when he wants something and even talk nice to me. With the confusion of the move he follows me from room to room.
This post is too long and I don't know if I explained myself. If you took in an orphan who talked to your husband but not to you, you would be happy that he could find comfort with your husband and just be content with whatever contact you have knowing eventually he would come to depend on and trust you sometime in the future.

[mikella]

This is one of those vicious days...... He's in his cage right now. Was lunging at me constantly so I told him no and put him in his cage (when it's little testy bites I put him on his t-stand and tell him no etc.) and the noiiiiises that come out of him when he's in his cage without contact literally sound like he's dying This is nothing new - just what he does when he doesn't have physical contact, he'll do it on the t-stand as well. (I've struggled with this - I never know if I'm causing him undue distress, etc.)... I left him while I finished cleaning up the kitchen, maybe 7 or 10 mins, went back in and sat for a few seconds, he was practically falling over himself on the spot on the top of his cage door closest to me... He's always so desperate to be on me (said that a billion times and boy do I mean it), so after a moment, I put my arm up and he jumps on, but then immediately bit hard through my two layers of zip-up and hoodie. So I put him right back in. This time I closed he cage door and also pulled the door to the room closed. He's quiet right now. Interesting.

It's one of those days that he is SO wound up.


Hi Liz: Oh you're right, and I actually talked about it before - I am definitely happy about Quigley bonding with my husband. It's so funny and endearing to watch. It makes me really happy. And we all play together (me no touching but participating verbally)... That makes me happy too. It's not that Quigley has no bond with me - I am definitely part of his world, he wants me 24/7 (although doesn't REALLY care if I'm not there and my husband is - he will call for me then very quickly get over it haha)' he's 100% tuned into me if my hubby isn't home and watches me like a hawk, needs to be on me constantly... But he is so MEAN to me is the problem. You're right that I need to get back to my life - I just can't figure out how to do that very well yet since he's so demanding for physical contact and I want to give him what he needs. Like I said above, the noises that come out of him if he's alone or not on me........ Are INSANE. It sounds like he's dying. I've never figured out how much of that is ok to just ignore. I don't want anything to backfire and have him hate me entirely, you know?

This is such a complicated process.

I find it really interesting though that he is quiet right now...... Maybe it means he understands he must calm down (?)

The quiet lasted maybe almost ten mins til I came down the hall and he heard me, then he was calling. I left him a little longer then went to get him. He immediately started lunging.

Not a good day at all so far.

I think part of it is that he's mad at me. The past few days my husband had him a lot - but it was because Quigley WANTED to be with him. And when he was with me, he would only be content for a minute then had to be with husband. Who the heck knows.

[Pajarita]

Hmmmm, it's a quandary and no mistake. I don't have a crystal ball so I can give you an opinion but, in reality, it's a guesstimate and nothing else because a) I not there and b) nobody really knows how things will develop with parrots. So, here goes my two cents. I think he did mate-bond with your husband and that, although there is a possibility that he will switch allegiance, it's unlikely. Why did he choose your husband over you? I don't know. Nobody does. It could be that his manner is different than yours and he prefers it, it could be that he did allow him time on him and burrowing under his shirt from the beginning, it could be that he reminds him of somebody who was kind to him (breeder?) and you remind him of the lady who had him before and confined him to his cage for years, it could be plain old chemistry... like I said, nobody really knows for sure. Does his preferring your husband mean that he will always bite you? No, it does not. He could develop a friendship with you where he will enjoy your company and not bite you but it will never be the same as he has with your husband. Will he miss your husband all day long? Most likely he will because, as you pointed out, mates are supposed to be there 24/7/365 and captivity cannot change that. Is it fair for him to pine for your husband all day long? No, it's not but, having said that, most parrots are owned by people who work full time and spend their days alone waiting for somebody to show up. Will a bird mate help the situation? Well, having a mate with him all day long will definitely make him happier, no doubt about that! Will it influence his behavior toward you - meaning will this make him bite you more or stop it altogether? Well, it depends... it might and it might not. If the hen is, say, a breeding or an abused bird that has no real interest on bonding with people, he will be fine BUT if the new bird bonds with you and wants to be with you all the time, he might take umbrage to it. Or not. Boca bonded almost instantly with Pichu which was the sweetest thing and used to been on me all the time but, when I finally allowed them together (after quarantine), although Pichu still liked me a lot and spend time riding my shoulder, she wasn't as needy or demanding of me as before and Boca never did resent the time she spent on me and often rode my shoulder perching next to her or burrowed inside my shirt while she took a nap on my shoulder.

I do understand where you are coming from and why you have this feeling of having made a big mistake. I feel the same way about Pookey and have pretty much decided to rehome her because, although she gets along fine with me, she pines for my husband all the time and he doesn't spend any time with her which is not fair to her. But she is a Timneh and, in my personal experience, grays don't bond easily with another gray so the bird mate option is not a viable one for me and her.

You are going to have to think this one through on your own because we can't make a decision for you but whatever the decision is, we will be here to support and, if needed, help you along.