I am grieving....

[FlufferBean]

I did not know where to post this note on this forum. I have only posted once on the forum and it was recently when I noticed that my 14 year old Senegal parrot's feathers were growing in the wrong colors after a long, difficult molt.

Then on September 22nd, she woke up with her left leg curled up. The vet put her to sleep, xrayed her and took some blood. The only thing out of place was her WBC which was somewhat elevated. So he sent me home with antibiotics and painkillers. Two days later, she wasn't improving, so I took her back. They had her 3 nights and administered morphine, antibiotics, anti fungals, calcium, force feeding and even put her in an oxygen chamber.

But we lost her on September 28th. I lost my Maggie. She was my baby and I am devastated. We were devoted to each other. We napped together, showered together, played together, ate together, we did everything together. I have been very sick and she was always there watching over me. We had our own little language. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out.

I go through that game where I blame myself (for everything), the vets (although they are Western-trained avian experts), the pollution here in HK....I blame everything....and then I blame myself again. She was still young. This should not have happened. The vet does not know what happened.

I have a loving husband and daughter (8) and even a nanny who is very supportive, but no one and nothing can replace my Maggie. I still need to select a cremation service and consider what I want done. I think I would like to keep her little metal bracelet and have some feathers collected and then have her cremated. Any hugs or suggestions on how to remember her that can be sent my way would be nice. Although I have received a lot of love from friends and family, it is not the same. I am not sure anyone understood how important and special she was to me---only bird lovers would. Thanks....posting.php?mode=post&f=8#

[marie83]

I am so so sorry to hear your loss, sometimes these things just happen and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I understand all the guilt and self blame as I've lost a few pets before their time but it is important to try to realise you gave that bird a good life, more time and attention than most other people would dedicate to her. You had enough love and commitment to her to seek help when it was needed.

The memories that maggie left will always stay with you, they will be sad of course knowing what you lost but then you will get to the point you remember the funny little things she did and it will make you smile. You will always love and miss her but you will start to heal, just don't try to rush through the grief, it feels awful I know but take your time.

If you need anyone to talk to/share memories with or anything else then we are all here to talk to you. Be kind to yourself whilst you work through your emotions, anger, guilt etc are all totally normal but try to let those feelings go.

[pennyandrocky]

i lost my almost 2 years ago and still miss him.i feel terrible guilt because he played like normal all day then when it was time for bed he refused to go i had to pry his feet off me and just thought he was just being a brat.i wish i had known somthing was wrong so i could have at least tried to save him. you did eveything you could so don't blame yourself.

[GreenWing]

I am so, so, so very sorry for your loss. *Hugs*

[cmaygar]

I am very sorry for your loss. You did everything that you could do so you can't blame yourself. I remember how devastated I was when I lost my 24-year-old Quaker parakeet in March of this year and no-one other than other parrot owners really understand how much our cherished feathered friends mean to us. Your bird had a happy life and it sounds like you were a great owner.

I buried my Quaker in my flower garden. I'm sure that your bird will always hold a special place in your heart. My deepest condolences to you.

[Congo_Girl]

I'm sorry for your lost. It is sad to lose a pet. Time will make it's effect...

[Worslup]

Flufferbean...so sorry for your loss xxxx

I know exactly how you feel at the moment my beautiful Senegal called Bayley died suddenly on 7th October 2012 who was only 11 1/2 years old.
My parents were looking after him as we were away for weekend and he was fine and then they saw him at the bottom of his cage but still breathing. Thankfully they rang me and we were back I jumped straight into my car as they only live 2 mins away. Went straight in he chirped twice and I picked him up and within 10 seconds he died in my hands....couldn't believe it and still can't to be honest. It was such a shock! I keep blaming myself ...my parents think they did something wrong which they didn't. If only i didn't go away for weekend etc.....
All the things you are feeling I am feeling exactly the same...I couldn't even think about having a post mortem on him so I didn't. We decided to bury him in a large plant pot with Bay trees (as we called him bay for short). My daughters 8 and 6 years both done some beautiful drawings and I put a little note in myself with him. He is out on the patio almost where his cage used to overlook. I still say good morning and night to him.
I think people probably think why am I so upset it was only a parrot but he wasn't he interacted with me shared my breakfast, dinners etc.too many to list...miss him so much.
I am trying to keep positive by thinking he had a good life with us and was loved whereas he could have ended up somewhere horrible.
I feel like I want another one right now as it is so quiet as I am sure you are well aware of too. this is not to replace ....but I have decided I need to grieve for Bayley and maybe get another Senegal in the new year.
If you want to talk flufferbean please do ..... hope you pain feels better soon big hugs to you!

[pionus]

oh no! I am so sorry! it hurts losing a pet. I was just reminded of that this morning when i found some picture of my late

i hope that one day you can get another bird to love as much as you loved your senegal.

best of wishes! "hugs"

[FlufferBean]

Thanks to everyone who wrote me. I am still in agony. But I am so glad that I reached out to people who really understand. And that they, in turn, have written back. It is so comforting.

My little Magnolia, Maggie, Fluffer Bean, Fluffers, Piggy, Piggy poops, Monster Face, Fluffer Bun, Maggie Mae was a wonderful gift and a true (mischievous) angel. I know that she will always be with me.

I might consider getting another Senegal soon, too. But I also need time to grieve. I still alk to her everyday. And look over to her cage, expecting her to be there. I am still in shock so it is not time to introduce another feathered friend yet.....yet.

Again, thanks for the notes. It makes me feel less lonely......